Riner Counseling

Mary-Catherine McClain, PhD, Ed.S., M.S.

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Bullies: Communication

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Bullies are on the playground, in the workplace, and even found in political positions. Bullies often have difficulty communicating with others—making demands yet not wanting to collaborate or problem solve.

For targets facing bullying behavior, it may be difficult to know how to negotiate, resolve a dispute, and/or find common ground. Individuals may contemplate fighting back or giving in. Below represent a few recommendations for coping with bullies—whether in the workplace, at home, or in society.

Avoid Giving In

Bullies don’t negotiate; they make demands, threats, and eventually fight for them. Bullies are often at war with the world around them, which they constantly and repetitively attempt to dominate. Unfortunately, bullies never “win” and they always want more. What makes people happy and what leads to healthy relationships is partnership, teamwork, support, and open communication.

Win-Win Negotiations

Giving into bullies lowers confidence and decreases connection. Bullies think in terms of “win-lose” because they always have to win. Healthy relationships work best in win-win negotiations. To learn more about this process, read Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury.

Appear Calm and Patient

Bullies, and high-conflict people in general, enjoy making someone emotional. Focus on the opposite action by staying calm and focused on what you want and need. High emotions lead to impulsive and rash decisions and they know that. Being very patient often leads to the best outcomes. Presenting as desperate or showing discomfort often leads to the bully being able to manipulate you and/or the situation. Bullies dislike delayed gratification, and therefore remaining calm, cool, collected, and confident will lead them to go “bother” someone else.

Bring in a Neutral Decision-Maker or Mediator 

Often, bullies do not like the idea of having or including another person because they will not be the most powerful person in the room. Likewise, it is difficult for a bully to argue with a neutral person. Remember, you do not have to face bullies alone.

Filed Under: Abuse, Anxiety, Behavior Modification, Communication, Friendships, Relationships, School Tagged With: , , ,

Enriching Relationships

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“It takes two to speak the truth, one to speak and another to hear.” Henry David Thoreau

Take a few minutes and imagine your life without family, friends, and/or partners. What would life be like and how would you invest your time and energy? As social creatures, this may be difficult as relationships provide encouragement, support, and joy. Likewise, our identity is often integrated with the people in our lives. In order to grow, enhance, and/or maintain relationships, it is important to target the following skills:

Communication: Allows us to build the bridge in creating deeper connections. Before you can be understood, you have to understand the other person’s perspective. Communication requires that you give your full attention (e.g., turn television off; disconnect from phone; make eye contact). Use less judgment and criticism, and more active listening, reflecting, and summarizing. Using “I” statements will always be more powerful and productive than “you” statements, and equally important is describing your partner’s comments (e.g., let me make sure I heard you correctly; it sounds like…”) before sharing your own reactions and feelings.

Conflict Resolution and Respect: Every friendship and relationship has differences and disagreements. This is not the problem; rather how people respond and react to the disagreement is most important for relationship health. Begin by setting an appropriate time and place for discussion. Be specific in defining the problem and examine how each partner may contribute to the concern at hand. Together, explore and past attempts to resolve the concern as well as brainstorm at least 5 solutions to the problem. Next, agree to try one solution. Re-evaluate as needed and ensure you schedule another meeting to discuss progress/need for implementation of another solution.

Boundaries: Boundaries provide guidelines and limits that promote safety and positive self-care practices. Boundaries are used to communicate needs in relationships too. Boundaries may be physical (e.g., personal space; touching body), or emotional (e.g., protect sense of self; not over-taking responsibility). Often, clients struggle with boundaries because they fear rejection, confrontation, and disappointing others. Try to reframe boundaries as a commitment you are making to yourself and focus the energy on what you have control over.

Honor: To more fully connect with someone, become more aware of your own language and tone. Honor your partner to create more space for change. Honoring is not equivalent with agreeing or endorsing other perspectives, although it does provide more opportunities for having a successful dialogue.

Love: Most of all, find ways to love your loved ones. Beyond simply saying, “I love you,” focus on ways to show your loved ones you really mean it. There are countless opportunities to show love, for example forgiving quickly, play together, say thank you, smile at your partner, serve them, leave written notes, cook together, enjoy breakfast in bed, etc. Holding hands, journaling together, singing, and creating memories together represent additional examples. Ask the other partner what he/she may need, and how they feel most loved. Also, explore love languages together (e.g., acts of service vs. words of affirmation).

Filed Under: Abuse, Anxiety, Communication, Core beliefs, Emotions, Relationships Tagged With:

Quicksand

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Emotions (driven by bodily reactions) and feelings (driven by thoughts) represent responses to situations and events. For example, you are walking to your car in the dark. You see a shadow and chills run down your spine (bodily reaction), and you feel scared (feeling transformed into words). A chain reaction may happen, as this person believes he/she is about to be attacked. Behaviors result from the interactions between both emotions and feelings. Below represent some strategies for freeing yourself from the emotional quicksand.

  1. It is not always about what you feel, but what you do. Our brain sends the message to avoid and escape; yet that does not mean you have to listen to and/or respond.

  1. While our feelings serve as a compass and protect us from danger/threats, they can also exaggerate and overreact. Consider giving your feelings space, but not your entire house. In other words, do not ignore or stuff them down, yet remind yourself that you ultimately get to decide how much space your feelings take up. Do you give them your entire house or just a closet?

  1. Reframe anxiety as an exciting challenge; faster heart rates may signal a sense of anxiety, but it could also serve as excitement. Consider re-appraising your anxiety. For example, graduating from college, getting married, and having a baby may bring feelings of anxiety-as-excitement.

  1. When you first feel an emotion bubbling up, tackle it. The earlier you reappraise and evaluate the situation, the less opportunity your brain has to be hijacked. When we attempt to suppress, ignore, avoid, or escape our emotions, they often come back more powerful and with a stronger vengeance. Acknowledge the thought/feeling in order to release it and in order for your mind to reduce the need to bring it back to your attention.

  1. Acknowledge who has the power: you or your fears? Often, it is not the event itself but how the individual person interprets and perceives the event or situation. For example, a wreck may lead someone to avoid driving while another person may interpret it as gratitude and a blessing to educate others on the safety of driving.

  1. Remove the personalization; someone may not respond to a phone call or text message. Instead of believing you are not important or worthy, give yourself alternatives. For example, this person may not be feeling well, this person may be slammed at work, or his/her phone may be broken. If thinking does not work, visualize it. For example, picture them in bed with a migraine headache or behind a desk with papers piled high. Essentially, give your brain another story to hear/play.

  1. View your intrusive and catastrophic thoughts and overwhelmingly emotions as children who may not have the tools or skills to process and cope. Talk to your feelings, such as “Go ahead and throw your tantrum. Dump as much as you need right now,” or  “I will not be bullied by this teenager raging inside of me.”

  1. Shrink your anxiety or fear by writing it down, speaking it aloud, or dancing it out. Mental space is created as you express and show your emotions.

  1. Reduce your tendency to immediately react by taking a deep breath, counting to 10, or tensing and releasing your muscles. Remind yourself that these feelings and emotions are only temporary visitors.

  1. Be compassionate and offer forgiveness to yourself when strong or intense emotions are presented; as you forgive, you detach from strong feelings of jealousy, resentment, and anger. Forgiveness provides space for love—which typically counteracts any overwhelmingly negative emotion. It is hard to be stuck in quicksand when you have a spirit of forgiveness and love.

Filed Under: Behavior Modification, Emotions, Mindfulness, Self-care Tagged With: , ,

Parenthood

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Being a mother and father provides a deep sense of love and profound reward. Despite this enormous love, parenting is hard work and we can all agree that the task of raising a human being is complex and difficult. There are also risks involved in parenting. Making things worse is the consistent and often constant criticizing of individual parenting skills—most of which is harsh, unfair, and untrue.

Examples of self-critical thoughts range from “I’m a below average parent” to “if I don’t attend all of my child’s events, I have failed.” More often than not, parents do a better job than the credit received. Likewise, it is inevitable that conflicting commitments will arrive. It is unrealistic to believe that you can be super human and be physically present at two places at once—do not be critical of this perceived limitation.

In private practice, I also see parents struggling with the idea that their child’s wants, preferences, and interests are more important than their own needs. Yes, parents make sacrifices daily and parenting requires selfless behavior. However, the key is balance and parents cannot always take the back seat. If individual needs’ are not considered, tanks will become empty and resentment will rise. After all, you cannot pour from an empty glass.

Another struggle is using too many “should statements.” For example, I should never yell at my child, I should be more patient, I should not be frustrated, I should not find time with my child boring, etc. These thoughts and emotions do not make you any less of a parent nor do they indicate that something is wrong with you or that you do not love your child.

One important thing to remind yourself daily is that children are resilient, robust, and have the capacity for much love and forgiveness. When you feel down, remind yourself that your children would not be better without you. Use your experiences to model, teach, and grow. Additionally, when you feel the criticism increasing, take a minute to write down what you are feeling bad about (e.g., raised voice) followed by writing down what you think the behavior actually means (e.g., bad parent). Next, look for evidence that supports and does not support your initial thought. Focus on making a balanced thought and reducing the black-white and related emotional thoughts happening in the present moment. The sum, not the individual parts of you parenting experiences, is what really matters!

Filed Under: Caregiver, Parenting, Relationships, Self-care Tagged With:

Core Beliefs: Friends or Enemies

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Core beliefs influence our decisions and emotions daily, although individuals rarely seek to identify and challenge negative thoughts—which ultimately become reality. These beliefs may sound like “people cannot be trusted,” “no one will ever love me,” “I will never be successful,” and/or “things will never get better.” Other beliefs take on the themes of being defective, being abandoned, and being unimportant/insignificant.

 

When working with clients, I often hear a sense of resignation and defeat that these beliefs and fears will continue to be confirmed and relived. These core beliefs are often based on assumptions and interpretations that were formed months or even years ago, and rarely do individuals stop to examine evidence for and against these thoughts.

 

Visualize a tree. Core beliefs are the roots of the tree—often unseen yet play a vital and significant role in the functioning and overall health of the tree. As a foundation, core beliefs impact how we see ourselves (e.g., I am not loveable), others (e.g., people are self-centered), and the world (e.g., I am unsafe). On the other hand, automatic thoughts are the beliefs that happen daily and are on repeat in our minds. These thoughts may be the observable parts of the tree—including the braches, bark, and leaves. It is important to note that these automatic thoughts are the symptom to our deeper, unhelpful core beliefs. In order to facilitate and foster positive change, individuals must examine the roots and foundation of the self.

 

To begin challenging this process, one must set intentions to identify themes in thoughts, begin doubting initial reactions and first interpretations of events, and consider alternative reasons for the thought (e.g., am I being triggered by the past, what is really my worst fear, what else could be happening). Visualize being calm. How would this change how you are thinking about or approaching the situation. Which core beliefs are you ready to retire, and which core beliefs are you ready to promote.

Filed Under: Anxiety, Core beliefs, Mindfulness, Self-Esteem Tagged With: ,

8 Toxic Relationship Patterns

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Most clients question at some point whether they are in a healthy relationship. Other questions may be “is my partner right for me,” “is our fighting normal,” and “am I really happy?”

 

No human being is perfect. Every couple has conflict and disagreements. However, certain behaviors and traits can create significant pain, hardship, and overall struggles in relationships. The lack of warmth, empathy, and validation can lead to low self-confidence and self-destructive behaviors. Below represents several patterns that are consistent with being in a toxic (e.g., jealous, manipulative, rejection, dominance) relationship.

 

  1. Dismissive: Being ignored; dismissing behaviors or accomplishments as insignificant. This often leads to dismissing or denying individual feelings and needs. There is a deep feeling of longing for love and attention, yet these individuals begin to believe they are unworthy of attention.

 

  1. Unavailable: Withhold and withdraw love and affection. Unavailable can mean physically (e.g., no hugging or comforting) or emotional (e.g., not responding to cries or other forms of affection). As adults, this may lead to individuals being emotionally hungry and clingy in their respective relationships—needing constant reassurance.
  2. Controlling: Micromanages plans, dismisses ideas, and may monitor behavior or use tracking devices. This sends the message that a person is inadequate, cannot be trusted to make decisions, and would falter without guidance or direction.

 

  1. Enmeshed: No boundaries in the relationship; co-dependency often develops and other people begin to “feel” each other’s emotions.

 

  1. Combative: Privately or publically, these relationships are filled with criticism, competition, fear, and jealousy. Blame and shame are high as verbal and emotional abuse is often utilized.

 

  1. Self-Involved: Narcissistic partners rarely give empathy and want the outward appearance of perfection. All connection is superficial, and manipulative and controlling behaviors are high.

 

  1. Unreliable: Unpredictable; one day the partner may be “nice or good” and the other day “bad and mean.” One day the partner shows love and the next is dismissive or overly hypercritical.

 

 

  1. Role Reversed: One partner may become the caretaker, physician, therapist, mother or father, etc. rather than focusing on his/her role as partner.

 

Toxic relationships are often repeated, which is largely an unconscious process. People often choose a partner that fits with his/her individual defenses. For example, if someone is passive or indecisive someone who is dominating or confidence may be attractive—ultimately leading to imbalance in the relationship and creates limitations for self-growth and awareness. If one of these patterns describe you, don’t be afraid to seek out counsel.

Filed Under: Abuse, Anxiety, Communication, Friendships, Relationships, Self-care Tagged With: , ,

Development of Unhealthy Relationships and Food

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Development of Unhealthy Relationships and Food

Unhealthy patterns with food can develop from a variety of reasons and triggers. Read below to see if any of the following have impacted you:

 

  1. Difficulty Regulating Your Emotions: One of the biggest things that can cause people to develop an unhealthy relationship with food is not being taught as children how to regulate emotions in healthy ways. For example, one may learn to eat a pint of ice cream after having a hard day or due to anxiety about an academic examination. It is important for parents to model appropriate ways to cope with tough emotions that do not involve food, such as journaling.

 

  1. Focusing Too Much on “Willpower”: The media constantly gives unrealistic expectations about the human body, and adults often enforce these expectations by being overly controlling with food. Common messages are that in order to be “attractive, happy, successful, worthwhile, etc., then you have to be thin.” Unfortunately this is not accurate information. While we do have some control over our weight, body shapes and sizes are largely driven by genetics.

 

  1. Banning or Severely Restricting Foods: It may sound like a good idea to cut soda or other “sugar” and “fat-filled foods” from our diets, yet doing so is often detrimental. As soon as you feel deprived of something, that’s the thing you’re going to crave and eat too much of when you have access. These types of behaviors can result in a pattern of binging or being overly conscious about what you are eating. Instead, focus on creating a healthy balance of food in your pantry. It is truly about moderation.

 

  1. Teaching Good Foods Vs. Bad Foods: Similar to banning or restricting foods, teaching children that there are certain foods that are “bad” is harmful and unhealthy. Having labels and judgments often leads to anxiety and unnecessary fear.

 

  1. Forcing Yourself to Eat at a Certain Time or a Certain Amount: Parents will sometimes force their children to eat at a certain time or finish all the food on their plates. It is healthy for children to make those kinds of decisions for themselves. While it is important to teach children about structure and balance surrounding food, it is equally important having other foods (apples and yogurt) available in case your child gets hungry later. This strategy teaches children how to make their own choices surrounding food, while also allowing them to learn the limits and bounds of choice.

 

  1. Not Eating Together as a Family: Whether in the car, at their desks, or on the go, Americans often eat alone. As a result, families are missing opportunities to connect and teach children about mindfulness around food. It is tremendously important for families to have at least two meals together per week. Connection is very important for the health of the family.

 

  1. Not Unplugging During Meals: Focus on the present moment and try to avoid getting distracted while eating. During meal times, everyone should have his or her phones turned off and away from the dinner table. This teaches presence, connection and also respect.

 

  1. Using Food as a Reward or Punishment: When a child accomplishes something, such as getting a good report card in school, it might be tempting to take them out for an ice cream cone. Unfortunately, developing a reward or punishment system around food can foster an emotional relationship with eating. Instead, place more value on spending time together, talking to your children, and letting them know with words and affection how much you care about them.

 

  1. Not Providing Any Guidance About Food: Being over-attentive to a child’s food and eating habits can lead to unhealthy eating habits down the line, and ignoring food consumption and meal time altogether can likewise create a set of problems. Remember, society and culture will influence and educate where parents do not teach or model at home. Similarly, not taking the time to teach children about food and eating can make them feel as though they are not important.

Filed Under: Anxiety, Body Image, Eating Disorder, Parenting, Self-care Tagged With: ,

Laughter: The Funny Side of Anxiety

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Yes. We all can relate to the experience of being anxious; our heart races, hands shake, and we often feel overheated, dizzy, nauseous, and lightheaded. In other words, our bodies begin the “fight or flight” response process.

Fear and anxiety are pervasive in our society. Unfortunately, individuals fail to direct enough present attention and acknowledgement of how these feelings directly impact behaviors and thoughts.

Examples of fear range from not getting on a flight due to a feeling in your stomach, rehearsing a future conversation with a friend, counting calories, or tracking a partner’s or child’s location countless times a day. This same anxiety and fear contemplates the future—the future of your family, your economic health, your physical health, etc. Anxiety also surfaces when humans internalize an experience as failure, disappointment, or shameful.

To gain control and empowerment over panic and feelings of fear or failure, consider adding the skill of humor to your toolbox.  Create a treasure chest filled with humorous books, comics, pictures, jokes, and magazines. Alternatively, have a date with humor each week. This date can be with yourself or with someone who also needs laughter. It is important to include facial expressions and funny faces, such as saying cheese.

Lastly, consider exaggerating and magnifying a perceived fear. For example, if you are afraid of making a presentation, consider what could go wrong. You may drop your note cards, the microphone proceeds to drop and make a loud noise, and the audience begins throwing water balloons at your body. Next, the fire sprinklers go off and everyone is soaking wet.

Do not let your fear and anxiety win; approach it and see it as a visitor providing information rather than having to continually search for avoidance strategies. After all, thoughts are just thoughts—they do not have to become your reality when you choose laughter and embrace the freedom it brings.

Filed Under: Anxiety, Behavior Modification Tagged With: , , ,

Self Love

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Self-nurturance and the practice of loving ourselves can be challenging. Clients often report struggling with self-kindness—often noting that it is easier to be nicer to others than towards themselves.  The following describes 7 core practices that an individual may use to promote emotional wellness and strengthen the mind-body connection.

“Think Act Be” represents a tool that is based on mindfulness and cognitive-behavioral strategies to illustrate how changes in thoughts leads to changes in behaviors, and how being present in the moment can further cultivate self-kindness.

Sleeping: The benefits of a restful night and prioritizing sleep are multifold; sleeping patterns influence energy, concentration, relationships, and overall mood. It is unhelpful to think, “Tomorrow will be terrible if I can’t fall asleep,” and may actually exacerbate the problem. Instead, focus on doing the best you can by setting an alarm (action), using a consistent bedtime, and accepting that your body will sleep when it is ready (mindfulness and letting go/acceptance).

Nutrition: Our physical, mental, and emotional self is significantly impacted by the nutrients we take in. It is important to plan your meals ahead, cook balanced meals, and enjoy the food you are eating in the present moment. What does it taste like?

Movement: Moving our bodies’ leads to a natural release of endorphins, and also increases blood flow to the brain, provides an avenue for social connection, and leads to a sense of accomplishment. Focus on letting go of rules (thoughts) and consider experimenting with a new workout or new way to move your body (action) while also focusing on your breathing (state of being).

Stress Management: Thoughts are often connected to anxiety and stress, such as “ I have to finish this project today or I will fail.” With such rigid and unrealistic expectations, you set yourself up for failure. Take action by scheduling breaks and incorporate acceptance and mindfulness by observing how stress feels in your body.

Nature: We live in a society addicted to technology. This makes it easy to fall into a pattern or trap of comparisons. Consider how nature impacts your thoughts versus how social media impacts your thoughts. Choose times to de-plug and disconnect, and when you have conversations, be fully present and pay attention to both verbal and non-verbal language.

Service: Individuals feel a stronger sense of purpose when helping others. Advocating for others also reduces anxiety and depression, and is a positive distraction.  Cook a meal for a neighbor; send a letter to a colleague, and practice responding with compassion rather than judgment.

Gratitude: Focus more on what is going right rather than what is going wrong; seek joy by thinking about what you have to be grateful for in your life, write a list of your blessings, and practice mindfulness by using meditations on gratitude.

Filed Under: Happiness, Mindfulness, Self-care Tagged With: ,

Screen Time

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Research consistently shows that excessive “screen time” increases stress and makes it difficult for the body clock to maintain a normal sleep/wake rhythm. Additionally, overstimulation can negatively impact brain chemistry and lead to addictive behaviors. Without adult guidance and feedback, most adolescents and teenagers would spend too much time behind the screen—whether watching a YouTube video, sending a text message, browsing newsfeeds, replying on SnapChat, or posting a picture on Instagram or Facebook. While it may be accurate that “everyone is doing it” and that they “don’t want to be left out,” costs and consequences continue to exist.

 

Strategies for Reducing Screen Time

 

  • Increase exposure to natural sunlight; lights and nature in general improve emotional health and wellness. Being outside is naturally calming, and sunlight restores disrupted circadian rhythms while also enhancing restorative sleep.

 

  • Adding movement and play can reverse damages of screen-time. Exercise naturally targets insomnia, anxiety, and depression while promoting more balance among chemicals and hormones. Exercise further releases energy and negative energy, and fosters learning and overall mood regulation.

 

  • Limit screen access in the bedroom; focus on creating a safe, dark space in the bedroom. For example, using black curtains, wearing a sleep mask, and maintaining a cooler temperature.

 

  • Strengthen connections with others and focus on building empathy, positive touch, and overall human interaction. Eye contact and hugging leads to larger brains and more efficient brain development. Expressing oneself and feeling heard also leads to more self-regulation and higher-order executive functioning.

 

  • Choose a screen limit. Is 60 minutes sufficient for daily screen-time use? How would you like to break down the time to stay within a window? Another strategy is reducing the brightness levels on all devices and available technologies.

 

  • Consider making a screen time a privilege that has to be earned, such as after doing chores, homework, sports, and/or family interaction. Create screen-free days and schedule family activities that do not involve or include electronics.

 

Be a good role model by limiting your own screen time. After dinner, don’t directly reach for your phone or spend countless hours playing games on your phone or iPad

Filed Under: Addiction, Behavior Modification, Communication, Mindfulness, Parenting, Technology Tagged With: , ,