Riner Counseling

Mary-Catherine McClain, PhD, Ed.S., M.S.

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Building a Support System

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Do you ever struggle with wanting to call a previous partner or friend who may have hurt you or created toxicity in your life? One important step to prevent and eliminate this pattern is building a strong support system. When individuals have a stable and reliable support system, people feel less isolated and alone as well as more understood and emotionally connected to others. This is actually what individuals need when one is trying to detach from an unhealthy relationship, and reduce the risk of calling, emailing, text messaging, or using snap chat.

 

Support systems can be defined as any group of friends, family members, co-workers, and/or professionals that you feel safe with and who can help reduce destructive behaviors. It is very important to memorize the phone numbers of at least 3 people in your support system and to add them to speed dial. Likewise, you don’t want to drain one individual so having a few people is important. Another key factor is time zones; if you are awake at 2:00 AM, you may need a friend across the country if possible.

 

Key factors in your support system:

  • Not feeling criticized or shamed. Look for people who are caring, supportive, and validating. Trust and honesty are equally important
  • It needs to be a person you feel safe with, and also a person who isn’t insulting or attacking
  • This person can help process as well as contain feelings
  • Be careful of others projecting their own experiences or giving judgments

 

Support systems can also be dynamic and it is okay to be selective; one friend may be great for relationship advice but not as helpful for grieving loss. If someone makes you feel worse, it is likely they are not the person to use in that situation. Hurtful feedback is at times due to ignorance, envy, projective identification, closed-mindedness, and competitiveness. AND it is important to remember that the person you are detaching from is not in your support system. If you attempt to stay friends with this person, you are likely in denial and prolonging potential trauma. Boundaries are important for closure and moving forward.

 

If your support system is unavailable, consider an Alanon meeting, using support groups online, use other distractions (e.g., take a walk, TV), or journal what you would say to a friend.

 

Remember, “When one door closes, another door opens; but we often looks so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us.” Focus on what you have rather than on what you may have lost or can’t have.

Filed Under: Friendships, Happiness, Relationships, Self-care Tagged With: , , ,

Cultivating Gratitude

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When we feel stuck by obstacles or down in general, it is difficult to see the positive. When fears and doubts are high, it is ironically the best time to seek gratitude. It may be challenging to be grateful for the thing that keeps us stuck, yet we can appreciate what does not keep us stuck—ultimately reducing anxiety and freeing up space to make healthier decisions.

 

Gratitude is like a muscle; it requires practice and intention to grow and strengthen. Humans are not hardwired to be grateful, thus making it even more important to practice gratitude. To practice gratitude, we first need to recognize what we are grateful for, acknowledge it, and appreciate it. When we practice gratitude, there is a greater chance to become “unstuck” while also promoting physical health, stress reduction, and overall peace.

 

In order to cultivate gratitude, I challenge you to commit to practicing 1 of the following 10 strategies every day for a month. You decide if practicing gratitude is worth it for your health!

 

  • Maintain a gratitude journal, listing 1 thing you are grateful for right before you go to sleep and one thing you are grateful for when you wake up

 

  • Give at least 1 compliment a day, which can be spoken directly to another individual, shared on a social media site, or by noting an appreciation of something in your life (e.g., nature)

 

  • When presented with a challenging situation, ask yourself what you can learn and what this emotion, thought, or feeling is teaching you

 

  • Set an intention not to complain, criticize or gossip. If you fall into a trap, pick yourself back up and continue your challenge—noticing how much energy is spent on negative thoughts

 

  • Make someone feel valued by responding in an energetic tone (e.g., when someone asks how your day has been, when someone calls you, etc)

 

  • Join a group or a worthy cause. Donate your time, money, or leadership and talent. Get involved and appreciate the organization (e.g., Rotary)

 

  • Take 5 minutes out of your day to notice the external world—stand in awe and amazement in the beauty that we have the opportunity to live

 

  • Count your blessings in your life daily

 

  • Practice mental subtraction, or reflecting on your life if certain events had not happened (e.g., birth of a child, graduation from college, the connection with a friend)

 

  • Savor your experiences (e.g., taking a trip, eating something new) and say thank you daily

Filed Under: Behavior Modification, Happiness, Mindfulness, Self-care Tagged With:

Stop Bullying

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Reflect back on your life and imagine situations you have observed bullying behavior; the playground where one girl grabs another’s hair and pulls her/him off the swing, the classroom where a group of students taunt another for misspelling a word, sending harmful words or pictures via text messaging, or the lunchroom where someone trips the “fat” kid and causes his/her tray to spill all over the floor. Unfortunately, these situations have become regular and are often described as a normal part of childhood. This series will define bullying, the impact of bullying on psychological wellbeing, identify misconceptions and myths of bullying, and offer recommendations for reducing bullying behavior.

 

What is Bullying?

Bullying is a multifactor construct that is influenced by the people involved, the context, and the situation and place of the behavior. When using the definition provided by The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying is defined as “unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated over time.” In other words, bullying is a behavior that is unwelcome, there is an imbalance of power (e.g., senior student), and the behavior is repeated. Bullying can be physical (e.g., punching, kicking), verbal (e.g., threats or name calling), relational (spreading rumors or exclusion), or electronic (e.g., gossip on a smart phone).

 

Bullying inevitably leads to

 

  • Hurt feelings
  • Humiliation
  • Exposure
  • Harassment
  • Other harm

 

Where and When Does Bullying Happen?

            Bullying often happens near school or where adult supervision is limited or possibly non-existent. Bullying will happen when there is close proximity to another individual, whether during school hours or around school hours. Approximately 20-25% of students between the ages of 12-18 are bullied—and NO school lies unaffected. Children aged 5-7 describe physical aggression with a reported rate of 18%, while 14-17 year olds report experiencing or observing electronic bullying.

 

Examples of bullying contexts

 

  • Lunchrooms
  • Buses
  • Playgrounds
  • Hallways
  • Locker Rooms
  • Electronic devices
  • Parties

 

Who is Bullied?

            It is impossible to accurately predict and identify individuals who will be bullied, and no combination of traits will guarantee that a child will or will not be bullied. However, there are common characteristics to note; individuals expressing low confidence, shyness, anxiety, and unhappiness are more natural targets. Bullies are less likely to “pick” on someone who has a large support system.

In terms of gender, males are more likely to be targeted if viewed as smaller or weaker than the average. Females are more likely impacted by relational bullying and electronic bullying while males are more likely to be targets of physical force.

 

The Impact

 

  • The Victim: The psychological impacts of bullying will ultimately impact everyone! Children who experience bullying are more likely to be emotionally withdrawn and shy/quiet, present with anxiety, sadness, and loneliness, and have trouble eating, sleeping, and studying. Individuals may drop out of activities or skip class. The most severe impact is committing suicide.

 

  • The Bully: Bullies are also children in pain. Bullies have difficulty relating to their peers, often have few friends due to low empathy and cruel behaviors, may have drug addictions, and report traumatic abuse histories. The bully is also more likely to drop out of school.

 

  • The Observers: Bystanders play a significant, crucial role in bullying. Most instances of bullying are public (e.g., playground), especially when the bully desires an audience to have more power and attention. Often, observers may feel that the bully could target them next, feel like a “tattletale,” and that any intervention would be unsuccessful. However, inaction is not passive. When bystanders do nothing, a choice is made to ignore or pretend that the bullying is not happening. Despite not being active, observing the act without intervening is equally harmful. Observers may also be more likely to smoke, skip school, develop anxiety and depressive symptoms, and drink.

 

 

 

 

Lasting Consequences

 

  • The Victim: The emotional harm lasts much longer than physical harm. The victim’s self-image is significantly damaged, which takes much work and processing to heal. Bullying will instill a fear and self-loathing, and being repetitively targeted makes it difficult to view the self as desirable, capable, and effective. Long-term, this leads to lack of trust for self and others, and the victim has adopted a belief that he/she is too weak or hopeless to persevere. These individuals are at higher rates of psychiatric disorders, such as panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, etc.

 

  • The Bully: The bully is often unhappy as adults, typically not being able to relate to others or work well with other people. Bullies often have quick tempers and aggressive behaviors that are not approved by society—making it difficult to retain friendships, maintain a job, and commit to a healthy relationship. Additionally, behaviors may be transferred to his/her own children, caregivers, etc.

 

  • The Observers: Many of the above concerns hold true for the observers; as adults, observers may use or abuse alcohol and tobacco, report higher rates of anxiety or depression, and may have difficulty focusing at work or maintain positive relationships. Guilt and feelings of regret are strong.

 

Misconceptions

While higher rates of media have focused on bullying, there are many misconceptions.

 

  1. Adults can’t do anything à False! Teachers can observe behavior to deter bullies, principals can discipline, and parents can report to school systems. It is important to comfort and invalidate the bully’s actions, and not to ridicule the victim (e.g., grow up, don’t be a cry baby).

 

  1. Boys are more likely to be victims à the rate of bullying by gender depends on the type of bullying (e.g., female and cyber-bullying; males and physical).

 

  1. It begins with cyber-bullying à Bullying typically ends with cyber-bullying. Typically, individuals will meet the bully in person, not faceless, and eventually develops into electronic means.

 

  1. Children just need to “toughen” up à Boys will not just be boys and children don’t’ always need to work it out. Bullying causes harm and often needs intervention from an adult level.

 

  1. Bystanders don’t have a role in bullying à False! Observers always have a role on bullying. Observers can either give the attention to the bully, who craves it, or can report it to a trusted individual or intervene when safe.

 

  1. Bullies are popular à Bullies may be unpopular or sideline themselves, so it’s false to assume that bullies are at the top of the pecking order.

 

  1. It is obvious when a child is being bullied à Remember, electronic means have skyrocketed over the last decade. Ask your children frequently about his/her relationships, if he/she feels safe, and which children they do not trust.

 

Healing the Victim

Parents, teachers, and administrators must adopt a zero tolerance policy of bullying. The most harmful feeling for a victim is a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. Another consequence is the development of low empathy (e.g., no one cared for me or my feelings, so why should I care about this person’s?) Send the message to the victim that his/her situation is not hopeless or helpless, and that things can change. Counteract the impact of bullying by building self-esteem and self-worth. The victim can be challenged to adopt a new identity, an identity of strength, resilience, awareness, and flexibility. Victims must be aware of how they can adopt control and regain trust for self and others. Victims should be encouraged to stop re-enacting a role of disempowerment as adults in the workplace. It is important for victims to cultivate new interests and hobbies to reduce isolation from others, complete tasks to build success and confidence, and provide a sense of agency by helping or advocating for others. Healing his/her self-image is priority and ultimately the key.

 

Another important aspect of treatment is adopting an adult perspective to replace the traumatized child perspective. This teaches reality and that bullies never had the right to hurt and that old judgment by perpetrators were false. By accepting the facts that others were wrong and immature, new beliefs that are healthier and accurate can be formed. Other goals in treatment are increasing self-empathy, self-validation, and developing a new relational style where they are no longer submissive and passive, nor have to be hyper-vigilant or aggressive to defend themselves. The new goal is an assertive relational style and to accept that not all people are bad or harmful.

 

In summary, treatment would focus on

  • Improving communication with others
  • Coping with fears of others and the world
  • Confronting and challenging destructive thoughts
  • Improving self-esteem
  • Learning positive self-care and coping tools
  • Building healthy friendships and relationships

For bullies, it is important to help them identify and understand personal emotions (e.g., jealousy, anger) and offer more positive ways to process those feelings. Bullies must understand the consequences of their behavior and also build empathy for other people.

 

Prevention

Prevention is crucial! Adults can take the following steps to reduce bullying and create an atmosphere of resilience and strength.

 

  • Model kind and respectful behavior to others, and specifically pro-social behaviors

 

  • Establish clear rules and boundaries at home and at school

 

  • Teach children bystander behavior and related social supportive skills

 

  • Become educated on cyber-bullying and communicate with children appropriately about the pros and cons of social networking

 

  • Monitor social networking when children and teens have accounts (e.g., Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr).

 

  • Always have an open door communication policy

 

  • Discuss and identify the positive aspects of your children, and help them articulate their personal strengths

 

  • Encourage the buddy support system

 

  • Communicate consistently with teachers and administrators

Filed Under: Behavior Modification, Friendships, Happiness, Relationships, School Tagged With: , ,

Working with a Person with Asperger’s Syndrome

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Unfortunately, Asperger’s Syndrome is often misunderstood and misdiagnosed.  People often have misconceptions that these individuals are unable to work, form friendships, and maintain an independent life. While they may have difficulty switching tasks, learning new tasks, and multitasking, this doesn’t define them as people. Individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome can be excellent employees because of high attention to detail, reliability, and punctuality. Below are some strategies to ensure professional and vocational success.

 

1)   Keep instructions brief and concise by using simple language, including written instructions, and confirming understanding

 

2)   Allow time to process information and/or instruction; check-in with a task sheet or by providing a written schedule. Also, include breaks in his/her schedule

 

3)   Chunk work tasks into smaller tasks, check progress consistently, and focus on maintaining a consistent work schedule and routine (e.g., same working hours)

 

4)   For improving organization and planning, focus on using visual cues, color coding instructions, including an example, and briefing on any changes or upcoming social events

 

5)   Communication is enhanced when conversations are direct, sarcasm and jokes are avoided, visual cues are provided, reassurance and support is given, and by monitoring non-verbal behavior

 

6)   Socialization is improved by having a “timeout” period and location to de-stress without consequence or additional demands, reducing vulnerability by having explicit rules, and asking one question at a time.

 

7)   Remember that individuals with Asperger’s need and value consistency, predictability, a direct supervisor who is also calm, and an organization workplace.

Filed Under: Communication, Relationships, Self-Esteem Tagged With: ,

One Year Later

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As cliché as it sounds, this past year has flown by as I reflect on our first year of marriage. Today, I wanted to share some of the biggest and most meaningful lessons we have learned.

 

  1. We both realize that life is bigger than us; when we were both single, and single for most of our lives, we could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted to. At the time, it didn’t seem selfish but the norm. During this first year, both of us have learned to re-wire (e.g., I’m not going to apologize first; I don’t really want to do this…”) and serve each other as God designed—selflessly.

 

  1. We are not meant to mind read – we can’t expect each other to do things without the other being unaware. We have worked to give up the “he/she should know attitude,” and strived towards transparency and direct feedback. Likewise, communicating with real feelings and sharing needs, wants, hopes, etc.

 

  1. Marriage is about teamwork; God designed us differently, yet fit us together perfectly. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and marriage provides an opportunity for balance. For example, making the bed is much more efficient with both of us doing it. Michael may be better at cooking while I’m better at task management and planning. We keep each other on track. We need each other.

 

  1. Fight fair; don’t use the words “always,” “never,” and “remember when” because it won’t lead to a productive conversation. Check-in with each other and ask for feedback to clarify perspectives and needs.

 

  1. For a marriage to thrive, be intentional, focus on the positives, pray together, spend time outside, put each other above work, and attend church.

Filed Under: Communication, Happiness, Intimacy, Relationships Tagged With:

Managing Feelings if Disappointment

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Part of being human is experiencing disappointment and having curve balls thrown in your life. Whether it is a break-up, being fired, or getting a speeding ticket, disappointment strikes and the thing we “wanted” does not work out. Feelings of disappointment may also lead to a sense of loss, sadness, and/or discomfort. Individuals set themselves up for disappointment when the belief that to be “happy” or “fulfilled,” X happens (e.g., I will be happy once I graduate college). On the other hand, these experiences can also teach and provide significant information about individual beliefs and core values.

 

When you feel disappointed, consider asking yourself the following 3 questions:

 

  1. What “thing” are we equating to happiness? Exposure to media and being in certain peer groups may increase the belief that we will only be happy if X is obtained—ultimately training our mind to be disappointed when we don’t get X. It should be noted that research actually suggests that getting the things desired rarely results in long-term satisfaction and happiness. Further, it’s the experiences happening in the present moment that often have the long lasting impact on overall happiness.

 

  1. Who are we equating happiness to or hoping that person X can provide fulfillment? A common belief I hear from clients is that marriage to his/her “person” will make everything in life better. In psychology, this is also known as the “halo” effect where one positive quality (e.g., appearance) leads to other qualities (e.g., smart, trustworthy, fun, rich). In actuality, much less information is known about this person and disappointment often strikes when our hopes fall short and when expectations are not met. Instead, focus on how the relationship makes you feel and if it is natural to initiate conversations and interactions.

 

  1. When is the time limit up? Individuals often create expectations around the timing of certain life events—which ultimately leads to expectations and unspoken rules around career goals, relationships, etc. By creating a timeline, success is often based on comparison our personal life situation to another person’s success. People naturally make comparisons to people of similar age and background, and also on who he/she follows on social media. Remember, timelines are self-imposed, often unrealistic, and likely arbitrary.

 

Try to remember on the process and journey rather than your actual destination. Practice openness and flexibility, and when you feel disappointed, ask yourself if those self-imposed rules or expectations are helping or hurting

Filed Under: Grief, Happiness, Self-Esteem Tagged With: ,

Saying NO when it Matters – Assertiveness

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Most people can remember times where there was a pressure to do something or go somewhere despite our true interests or preferences.  Perhaps you can recall instances where you were feeling down and did not want to go anywhere, but did so anyway to accompany someone important to you.  Perhaps you were in a good mood, but simply had no interest in the activity, and therefore in tagging along, but you did so anyway.  Yes, it is important that we remain flexible for the sake of our relationships, but it is equally important that we recognize times when we should say “no.”

Similarly, most of us have experienced situations where we felt uncomfortable speaking up about something.  This could be for a number of reasons, including the relationship with the person or entity (e.g., parents, in-laws, supervisors, acquaintances, etc.), limited knowledge or information on the topic at hand, general hesitancy about confrontational situations, concern about the possible outcomes of speaking out, or self-assigned responsibility for protecting others’ emotions.  It goes without saying that it is important to have awareness and use judgment to determine what situations are worth speaking out on, as well as what could happen if you do speak up.  For some people this leads to entirely shutting down and not speaking out, which can lead to being taken advantage of.  That is why it is equally as important to speak up in regards to having your needs met or when something goes against your values.  This is what we call assertiveness.  As I often to describe to patients, assertiveness is a communication skill where one gets their needs met without harming others (verbal, emotional, or physical harm).  Further, assertiveness is key to developing and maintaining boundaries and respect in relationships.

Some people are quite adept at saying “no” and speaking up when they dislike or don’t agree with something or someone.  This is an important communication, and more so, life skill, that can lead to more life and relationship satisfaction, and a skill that should be fostered in those who struggle with it.  However, assertiveness requires a particular balance in terms of how often you exercise the skill; it is possible to go too far and be perceived by others as argumentative, inflexible, rigid, and perhaps aggressive (which is the opposite of assertive).  This can lead others to distance themselves from you, as well as reduce the quality of your relationships.

This post is primarily aimed at those who would benefit from utilizing assertiveness more often, particularly in relationships.  As I mentioned earlier, being flexible here and there by going with the flow does not necessarily mean you need to practice more assertiveness but is rather a positive and likable attribute.  As with any other problem area, it is important to self-assess (or let a professional help you assess) whether a lack of assertiveness is creating difficulties in your life.  Some possible indications of low assertiveness include:

  1. Frequently feeling resentful towards others after repeatedly engaging in activities you don’t want to do
  2. Frequently engaging in activities that are pre-planned without your input or regard for your time or schedule
    1. Living your life according to someone else’s schedule
  3. Frequently engaging in activities you don’t really enjoy
  4. Having thoughts about your opinion not mattering
  5. Knowing what you want to say but fearing what may happen if you do
  6. Walking away hurt or angry for not speaking up when others speak down, in a condescending, or controlling manner to you
  7. Feeling stuck in a relationship (i.e., you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, you don’t believe your partner will take you seriously if you speak up about wanting to take a break or end the relationship, etc.),
  8. Feeling discomfort, or anxiety, when thinking about speaking up
  9. Difficulty with formulating your thoughts in the “right” way so as not to offend or hurt someone
    1. Wondering why you can’t just say what you are thinking
  10. Frequently putting others needs and/or emotions before your own
  11. Recognizing that you are being taken advantage of (thoughts such as “it’s not up to me” “I have no say” or “I have no control”)
  12. Feeling powerless and vulnerable

Assertiveness training is the key to making changes that will allow you to feel more in control of your life.  Sometimes it can just be incredibly important to walk away from a situation knowing you spoke out, and did not let someone verbally or emotionally take advantage of you.  Self-esteem plays a tremendous role in one’s ability to be assertive, so typically assertiveness training begins with identifying esteem deficits and building self-confidence.

If you feel like you could benefit from assertiveness training, I encourage you to schedule an appointment with a trained professional.

Filed Under: Behavior Modification, Communication, Happiness, Self-care Tagged With: ,

Bill of Rights

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1. You have the right to take whatever path you take through your grief without judgment.

2. You have the right to ignore or incorporate any or all of the MOUNTAINS of advice you will get.

3. You have the right to say: “No thank you.”

4. You have the right to grieve for whatever you have lost, including things you never had but ache for, like phantom limb pain.

5. You have the right to ask people to bring you pizza, not platitudes.

6. You have the right to your own definition of grief. For someone else the loss may have some unknowable reason; it may be a journey, a blessing ‘in disguise’, bad karma, a teachable moment, part of a plan, a test, a process, a choice. It doesn’t have to be any of those things for you. It can simply be where you are at the time. Or it can be senseless, stupid, meaningless and profoundly awful.

7. You have the right not to feel or believe of be comforted by any of the following: “he’s in a better place; his work here was done; she’s in your heart; it’s a blessing; it’s no one’s fault; time heals all wounds; you’ll find a new one; it could have been worse.”

8. You have the right to feel what you can feel when you can feel it. Be numb when you are numb. Seek comfort when you can stand to. Sometimes the deep fog of grief can make all intimacy too painful – any feelings unbearable. You have the right not to bear them even when everyone around you says you MUST FEEL YOUR FEELINGS OR YOU WILL NEVER MOVE ON.

9. You have the right to be inalterably changed. The person you were before the death of your loved one is gone. You are now someone else. You don’t know who yet. It’s your right to find out.

10. You have the right to experience the many tricky, shape-shifting forms grief takes in whatever order you experience them: Here it looks like rage. There it takes the shape of obsession. It has many forms. They are all true. They are all lies. You have the right to stay where you are. Sometimes there are no signs at all. Sometimes you are moving through grief’s darkest depths without knowing it. It’s like starting on the bottom floor of an elevator in the deepest core of the earth. Each floor you go up, the doors open, only to reveal more darkness. It all looks and feels the same, but it is not. You are moving toward where you need to be.

Remember: Deep grief is a profoundly lonely experience, and yet, it binds us all. We all walk beside you, which will give you comfort when you are ready.

Filed Under: Grief, Relationships, Self-care Tagged With:

Grief After Miscarriage

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The loss of a child, whether due to stillbirth, miscarriage, SIDS, elective termination, or tragedy, is without a doubt one of the most painful experiences an individual will endure. No words truly capture the impact the loss will have on a parent, as personal expectations and wishes are terminated without control. Research shows that 15-20% of confirmed pregnancies end by miscarriage, SIDS impacts 5,000-7,000 infants annually, and over 11,000 newborns die within 24 hours of their birth.

 

If you are someone who has been impacted by an unimaginable loss, I hope you will hear and find some comfort in these words:

 

  • There are no “should” statements in this process. There is no right way to feel, as one individual may feel strength sooner than another, while another feels consumed by the grief process. YOU are allowed to feel whatever arises within you.

 

  • Hormones will play a role in your feelings, and this sudden shift can create significant changes in brain chemistry (e.g., postpartum depression).

 

  • Grief often occurs in stages, although the order may vary with each individual: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

 

  • Feelings of shame, guilt, self-doubt, and depression are common during loss. The important piece is to examine whether you are “moving” thru grief or if you are stuck. It is equally important to feel a sense of hope, trust, and self-acceptance after significant loss.

 

  • When you lose a baby or child, it is also common for individuals to fear loss among other aspects of his/her life (e.g., relationships, health).

 

  • Be alert to signs of isolation. It is very important to receive support from people around you so that healing can take place.

 

  • Remember, everyone grieves differently; your partner may grieve differently. Losing a baby is extremely painful, and it is important to give space as needed. Women will experience the physical loss that may also be hard for a man to understand fully.

 

  • Some friends may withdraw due to their own insecurities and fears of loss.

 

  • Honoring your pregnancy or baby can be very symbolic, such as naming a child, planting a rose, developing another ritual on an anniversary date, etc.

Filed Under: Grief, Parenting, Self-care Tagged With:

Compassion and Caregiver Fatigue

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Caregivers include professionals who are paid to provide care to individuals, both in health care facilities and in home settings, and also unpaid individuals who provide care to a loved family member or friend. Individuals receiving care may be ill, disabled, aging, or suffer from an emotional/intellectual disability. Caregivers may experience a mixture of feelings, including fatigue, isolation, stress, and guilt. On the one hand, providing care for a loved one is rewarding and on the other, it can be highly stressful.

 

Research has shown that caregivers often report difficulty making time for themselves, have an unbalanced work/family/life schedule, and do not know how to manage stress. Caregivers may experience anger (personal life on hold), fear (financial difficulties), depression (watching loved ones in pain/age), guilt (not providing better care), loneliness (less interaction opportunities with others), and/or exhaustion (inconsistent sleep schedule). Other symptoms of burnout include difficulty concentrating, weakened immune system, trouble sleeping, and increased feelings of resentment.

 

Caregivers who do not take adequate and appropriate care of themselves often experience burnout and increased susceptibility to mental, emotional, and physical distress. Caregivers may consider attending classes taught by a local hospital on caregiving, scheduling time with friends to avoid isolation, seek organizations that specialize in helping caregivers, ask for help from other family and friends, and most importantly—developing self-compassion. Individuals who are most compassionate are less likely to criticize themselves and are better able to self-soothe and experience comfort during difficult transitions. Equally important is maintaining a self-care routine to avoid becoming emotionally overwhelmed. For example, preparing nutrition meals, engaging in regular physical activity, striving to sleep 8 hours per night, watching mindless TV shows, reading a book, pursuing interests, and talking to other important people in his/her life.

 

Other tips for reducing caregiver stress include taking a yoga class, learning deep-breathing strategies, stretching 10 minutes a day, schedule time off from the caregiver, reach out to a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor, and ask for help. Finally, and most importantly, remember that when you take care of yourself, you are NOT being selfish.

Filed Under: Caregiver, Friendships, Grief, Relationships, Self-care Tagged With: , , ,