1) When should parents reward a child? It is important to reward kids frequently and often in the beginning, especially when learning a new behavior. As children become older, they need fewer rewards and behaviors can be rewarded intermittently. It is equally important to remember the nature of a reward; children need more hugs, high-fives, genuine eye contact, undivided attention, affection, and active listening. Children should further be praised for specific behaviors (e.g., not good job, but I love the way you are folding those towels so carefully).
2) Does the frequency of reward vary with age? If so, how? The frequency can be a function of age; although more than the age, it may be about the complexity of a behavior. Whether for a 5 year old or teenager, new behaviors need to be praised and rewarded consistently. Gradually, these rewards can be reduced for both age groups because the behavior becomes internalized and part of their natural lifestyle. If you reward a behavior every time it occurs, after it has been established, it will lose some of its reinforcement properties. However, if you reward in an unpredicted sequence, most children and adults will continue the behavior. Consider a slot machine, you generally will keep playing because you don’t know when you will be rewarded.
3) Do children who receive a lot of rewards as children set up to fail as adults when rewards aren’t always given? If so, what can be done to raise a well-rounded child? Our society has learned to expect that even “last place” deserves a trophy or metal. This can be detrimental because self-esteem and resilience is often built through failure and mistakes, not by winning every time. Pampering and over-indulgence or over-gratification can lead to behavioral outbursts and aggression, as well as pouting, sulking, and refusal to do work. Sacrificing always for children or putting their needs first can be harmful for everyone – we disable them and don’t teach them, which often leads to self-defeat. In order to prevent this pattern, teach your children that they can’t always have everything they want and the exact time they want it, and don’t give them attention when tantrums and sulking behavior occurs. Remember, you are the parent and aren’t supposed to be their best friend. It is your role to set limits and to help strengthen self-control. Children need rules and routines because it makes them feel safe. Consistently enforce consequences, as you would consistently give them reinforcements.
4) When is it appropriate to share your child’s accomplishments on social media? When are parents over-sharing? This is very personal. In general, first ask yourself what is the purpose and what is my goal for posting this picture or status. For example, is it to get attention, to fill insecurity, to feel loved, or is it a genuine desire to share an accomplishment. You may also want to ask your child if it OK if you post, thus advocating and respecting their feelings. Lastly, it can be inappropriate when it truly fuels the fire for competition and comparing.
When you do decide to share, it’s important to also uplift others, such as commenting on a post or hitting the like button for someone else. Second, consider offering ways for the accomplishment to also help others. For example, if a child won a soccer game, maybe sharing how other children could join the team or participate next time. Third, be mindful and try not to over-post or to blatantly make people jealous or hurt (e.g., In Costa Rica, be jealous). Your level of sharing may differ from a friend’s, so focus on your needs and desires, and try not to compare or base it on someone else’s posting. Some people love social media and others hate it, and some are in the middle. Be true to yourself and your family.
Other tips to consider: take advantage of privacy settings, be mindful of posting photos with specific locations (e.g., armed robberies are more frequent when out of town), and update your passwords every 3-4 months.
5) What have you seen happen to kids who never get rewards as children (parents just expect good behavior)? Does it work? Children need praise (e.g., cheering, smiling, clapping) to learn behaviors and to grow self-confidence and esteem. By learning that they are doing the right thing, children are more likely to repeat this behavior. This pattern doesn’t need to last for forever, however. Similarly, rewards don’t need to be objects or things to be effective. Consider shifting the focus from controlling behavior towards strengthening relationships and connections. Children cooperate when they feel seen, heard, and understood by the people they love. Consider the mantra, “my child is not giving me a hard time, she/he is having a hard time and needs my help.”
6) Can you give an example of a reward system that generally works? Keep it simple and not too complicated. Rewards and tokens can become too complicated when life is busy and moving at a face pace. One technique is a simple dry erase board where each family member, including adults, have a section. Each person has a list of 3 things listed that they are working on (e.g., making the bed) for the week. At night, each person goes to the board and draws a star if they were successful. Rewards can be given at the end of the week for those tasks. One of the three things is easy, another is slightly more challenging, and the third is more difficult or important. The chart increases positive competition while parents serve as good role models. It is important to remember that rewards and discipline are unique to the individual and child’s personality. One reward (e.g., eating fruit) may be rewarding for one but punishing for another, so it’s important to have several reinforcement and rewarding techniques.
Another option is giving each child an empty jar with the goal to fill it up with cotton balls. Place a rubber band around the jar. Based on the age, you determine where to set it (e.g., older children need more cotton balls). After age 8-10, you can remove the rubber band and the entire jar must be filled. Cotton balls are given for doing something nice an unexpected, rather than for just completing chores (e.g., holding the door open for someone). Cotton balls can also be taken away for bad behavior. The reward, once the jar is full, is their choice. Rather than a specific object or financial incentive, it could be going bowling, selecting a favorite meal to be cooked, or going to the movie theatres.